Too Soon?

In Time, On The One

Tomorrow Rene takes her last required stay in the hospital for this cancer and one will be different for her. For the first time she will be able to truly recover and regain strength that was lost because of the caustic cocktails coursing throughout her body from all the chemo.

Each day with this final round will be a true test for her because of the continuous administration of various chemo medicines for the first five days. I suspect that she will be very weak and potentially delirious from the treatments.

The nadir period this time will be I believe even more critical for her and the ability to be patience will be very difficult for her. I anticipate the she will be able to handle this due to the type of cancer and treatment another patient is going through. Unlike her, this person has no other support network to lean upon. Once Rene is there, she will assume that role and hopefully temper herself.

In the end, she will have to endure the waiting period with her pending PET Scan after getting out of the hospital. We hope that the results will provide very positive news that the last tumor is gone from her system. This would be the best news to start her new life as a cancer survivor and hopefully cancer free individual.

I Shop Therefore I Am

USF Wins Again

Only Rene could figure out how to watch USF defeat West Virginia and QVC with Joan Rivers! Between commercials and halftime, she watch QVC to get ideas if she wanted to purchase something. This was the perfect evening for her, Joan River hawking jewelry and USF annoying West Virginia by defeating them again.

Earlier in the day, she got have tea at her favorite tea shop again with good friends. Overall, she is counting down to Monday so she can finish her final treatment. She threw the husband "tripwire, "out saying "you get time to yourself when I am in the hospital". I am wise enough to know how to dance around that one!

Sudjugation No More

Almost Free

Yesterday we received the news that we were looking for pertaining to her white blood counts. The counts jumped from 1.5 to 9 and therefore she will be admitted into the hospital this Monday for her final treatment. She was ready to jump and up and kiss her oncologist's when she heard this!

Now that she has been cleared for this treatment, her schedule will include time in the hospital and then one additional Rituxan outpatient treatment for chemo. Basically, she should be done with with all chemo by the end of October!

She is prepare for a few more bumps with her hospital stay and since it is her last, she accepts it as the cost of getting better! Once this is over, she will become a true "teenager" saying, "I want to drive!", "I can do that myself". God will pay me back for the children we didn't have with this instead!!

On The Horizon

Stronger

Between going for another leukine shot and spending the day with visitors, I believe she is getting stronger. The highlight for her was seeing friends from the office, having lunch and getting to eat a tongue sandwich, and enjoying a cup tea with great company at her favorite tea shop. I guess being a "princess" is hard work but I prefer college football.

Right now there is nothing that should stop her from going into the hospital this Monday for her seventh and final treatments. She getting closer to the end a long and scary journey in cancer. With this ending, she will have a new beginning with life. Once she is able to be fully engaged, I can go back into hibernation again!

Undeclared Winner

Busy Bones


So far Rene is feeling a bit stronger since she is receiving her shots more frequently. She still experiences discomfort with these types of shots and it lasts for about ten minutes. She keeping her hopes up that Thursday's visit will validate that her white blood cells are at an acceptable level for treatment.

She has rediscovered her love for wearing earrings again. As she put it, "since I have a bald head, I need to decorate it with something"! It will be a bit before I see her wearing her wedding rings so her experimenting with various types of earrings will be fun to observe.

Champion

The game that I mention last week that was vexing her is no longer a problem. She has finally won it several times and now it is on to level two! I expect this to an unusual battle of wills to watch over the next few weeks.

Irrational Exuberance

Great Reds, Bad Whites

Yesterday we discovered that Rene's white blood counts were lower by over 500 points. The remainder of this week, she will receive daily leukine shots to increase her levels. She will also take antibiotics to protect against infections until her immune system is stronger.

Based on this new development, we still anticipate that she will be admitted next week to receive her final round of chemo cocktails. She is very impatient about this because she so close to being done with her treatments. Just six months ago, she couldn't fathom that she would be able to make it through seven rounds.

Gimme...Chocolate!

In all of this, she decided that I should "surprise" her with something chocolate and it better be Raisinettes! I decided that bringing her Oreo cookies would not be a good thing at the moment. With people more paranoid about food, Raisinettes give you a choice of either milk or dark chocolate types. I played it safe and just got both!

Joys Of Womanhood

Singing & Shopping

With her increased strength, Rene is now able to begin singing again. She actually lost the ability to control her vocal range for a few months and this was not a happy time for her. Yesterday, she was able to get on stage at her church and sing with her worship team; she sat in her transport chair and did a lot of smiling!

For the first time since all of this started, we went out to "futz" around in a few furniture stores to get ideas for re-designing the home office. She really likes the fact that I have a handicap tag for the Jeep so we always have great parking. She was very happy that this did not tire her and we had to leave, come to think of it, she wouldn't leave anyway!

Becoming A Fan?

Slobber Knockers

Yesterday Rene offered to watch a college football game after I returned from my bike ride on a desert trail. Since she recently discovered her old college, the University of South Florida has a football team, we watched that game.

She could stop cheering great plays on by USF and how fast they were! She is looking forward to watch other games by them this season. Who knows, by the end of the season, she may match me for overall intensity for the game and making fun of conferences because they are not the SEC!

The state of Florida did very well this weekend with wins by the Florida Gators, USF Bulls, Miami Hurricanes, and University of Central Florida Golden Knights! Florida's Second-Rate University, I meant Florida State University didn't play yesterday.

Still Too Young

Like A Pinot Noir

Right now Rene's blood levels are vexing her because they are not at the level to support a full blast of chemo. She received an additional booster shot yesterday and will get another on Monday. These shots cause her chest to ache because her bone marrow is working to produce more blood cells.

We will have to monitor her blood work next week to determine if she can be admitted later in the week. If not, it should be by the first week of October. Either way, she gets to stay in the new renovated rooms for her final stay. This will ensure that can see all the nurses and aides in one place.

Fashion Week

Rene's new outfits arrived yesterday and it was like Christmas for her. She tore into the box, slipped into her outfits and made sure I was focused and provide feedback about the combinations. I could not grunt my way out of this situation. The outfits looked well and after the tailor modifies the clothes, they will look even better.

A Quart Low

"I Vant Your Blood..."

The "chemo gods" have struck again because Rene's blood counts as of yesterday are too low for her final chemo treatments. She must go to her oncologist's office for the next two days to get additional shots so her body can produce more blood.

Since this is her last treatment, she must have intrathecal with all medicines this time. Her counts were too low on her last stay and this procedure was not done. Once her counts are higher, she will be admitted for her final stay.

The intrathecal will be very strong and with all the other "cocktails" she will be receive during her stay; she will be very fatigued after this is done. Her oncologist is doing the right thing and she is kvetching that her planned "schedule of events" is not being satisfied!

Nein!

Rene was not happy with her visit to the oncologist yesterday, it seems that she is gaining weight. Part of this is expected since she is recovering, this fell on deaf ears. She is now "hell bent" on reversing this...more to come!

Bugger!

Lovin' A Challenge

Rene's smartphone has a game that has been making her nuts lately! It is an electronic version of the Rubix's Cube and cannot get past Level 1 yet! This game will not best her if she can help it and she bound and determined to win. When this occurs, she will throw a party because she was finally able to defeat an inanimate object!

Selective Hearing

Being one that just has to "tug on Superman's cape", I told her about positive comments I have received about my goatee. This subject is still taboo to her and I should never say this when she is playing her game. I got the "look" and the following statement, "did you say something?". Note to self, only risk takers would attempt to annoy their spouses during crucial game playing!

Bored, Bored, Bored...

Playmates Needed

Rene has reached her "puppy dog" phase and needs stimulus throughout the day! "Puppy Dog" is a state that a spouse goes through when they are alone; " I am happy to see you and tell me about your day?". The animals provide comic relief at home but they cannot be a true girlfriend to gab with or a husband to flog!

For me it is another sign that mentally and physically she is getting stronger and I must be ready to engage in conversation when I get home from the office! It is great to see her progressing in this way because she wants to be engaged with life more and more.

Being a male, I forget about this aspect and therefore cause her to provide subtle reminders to me. There are times these reminders must be delivered with a sledgehammer in order to get my attention!

At least I am consistent and she reminds me that I need to change from time-to-time. She will not give up on getting me to be a "girlfriend" with her!

Closet Wars, Part II

Online Shopping

Yesterday I got a subtle hint that Rene is really beginning to be herself again! In the seat of my office chair at home was the manifest for new outfits she purchased online. She left this for me so I would not be "surprised" by any new charges on our account.

In "husband speak", this usually means that "I needed a change", and I don't disagree because the chemo has reduced her weight. A wise husband would also noticed that the manifest included pictures of the new outfits that she purchased and it is your duty to comment favorably about the new outfits.

Staying true to myself, I went to "engineering think", this means it is not important to leave me the manifest, just enter the charges in Quicken! This type of thinking will lead your spouse to the dreaded "husband questions"; "what do you think about the new outfits?".

I am not one to follow my own advice and therefore I should have seen this one coming! The outfits are truly lively and will reflect her bouncy attitude about living.

Being a man and thinking like an engineer, she had to "pull" this out of me! I have a good friend that is scheduling shock therapy for me since I have overlooked the importance of all of this!

You're Bound To It!

New Life

Yesterday, Rene attended the baptism of a close friend and was touched with their new approach to life. Besides the spiritual growth, she can hold him to keeping his new covenant on how to live his life! This will make their debates even more spirited in the future!

Good Blood Counts Or Else!

This Thursday is a crucial day for Rene, she will receive her outpatient chemo treatment and updated blood results. If her blood work is at levels to handle her last treatment, she is going to "drill" her oncologist to admit her the last week of this month.

If her counts require an additional week home, then her oncologist is spared her "wrath" and I get to deal with this! Conversely, if her counts are at the levels to allow for chemo and her oncologist still wants to wait a week; he gets to share in my pain!

Bad Bike Day

I Am Stubborn

Yesterday I tried to get a long ride in on my mountain bike and thanks to a cactus thorn, it was not meant to be. Early into my ride and about 15 miles from home, my back tire had a thorn and was spraying out air and the "Slime" sealant at the same time.

I was not able to patch the tire and had to walk home. Rene had to deal with my "Minotaur" side until I repaired my bike. It didn't help matters that I also discovered that I had broken spokes in the back tire also! By 12PM was finally able to get on the trail and enjoy the solitude and ability to swear like a sailor because I was four hours late with my ride!

Rene realized that Florida was playing Tennessee and found the game to "calm" me down, it worked. Seeing Tennessee lose to Florida again was worth it. I do enjoy Tennessee's head coach, Phil Fulmer fuming after losing to Florida. To be fair, I enjoy that look on any opponent's head coach after losing to the Gators!

Needles? Pain? Whatever!

Another Day, Another Shot

Friday was a great day except the ten minutes she spent getting more shots to keep her counts growing. Since she receives these shots in her stomach, some days are better than other. Yesterday was the bad day, she had a bit of pain that made her wince afterwards and I was a "heartless bastard" that forgot to show compassion!

Revenge was her's before the day was over because I had to take her to her favorite tea shop to meet her girlfriends. This is a very unique gathering for the "unwashed" and it can best be described as your very own "The View" when they get together.

Being the only male in a sea of estrogen, I did what any sane man would do; I moved away from the group so they could all talk. I was happy to be in the corner where they could see me and they could not engage me to join their conversation!

I did find out from their discussions about improvements that men could and should do in the future. I am not sure if I fully agree and therefore will take it under advisement! This the advice an attorney would provide and charge their clients for, and I just saved myself over $300 per hour by remembering to do it minus the fee!

Major & Minor Scales

Whole & Half Steps

My exposure to cancer and methods used to cure it has lead me to view it in a musical fashion. There are times when you are capable to taking large steps and are upbeat. Other times, you are barely able to take a step forward and you are melancholy.

I am able to view Rene in way I could not have anticipated four months ago, she is more lively and in control. She is not dependent upon aids to steady her as she stands or walks. She is more capable of doing things by herself now.

I realized that we are not finished with this "sheet of music" and we need to "play" a few more minor chords and bars for awhile. If you love "the blues", it uses both major and minor chords that can invoke feelings of remorse and joy at the same time. Buddy Guy's "Sweet Tea" is a great example of this type of music and feeling.

Creative

Last night she and a girlfriend worked on creating special card boxes and Rene had many ideas for the designs. This is a very different person now, she would not have possessed the clarity or stamina for this four month ago.

Make My Day...Punk!

Postal??

Kvetching is putting it mildly on how Rene reacted when she discovered that both her red and white counts are low. She had to get two shots yesterday; one for each type of blood so this means her bone marrow will be "talking" for a bit! I get to take her tomorrow for more shots, she ain't happy!

Reality Check

I am amused by Rene's desired to re-engaged with life as she progresses through her treatments. Since is coming to her very last hospital visit, she only wants one thing...her way or the highway! She is telling her body to get with the program and produce blood counts so she can get going!

I need this because my mother is 360 degrees opposite of this behaviour. Since my father's death three weeks ago, she is going through her mourning period. Life right now is very empty and the fact that she can't see or talk to him anymore is troubling. In time she will develop the desire to live life to the fullest, right now she is not ready.

Husband Questions

Thin Ice

I have to remind myself that Rene is much stronger mentally and physically and therefore I must be aware of which "buttons" not to push. Since I am one that never listens all the time, I must be prepared for more than just the "looks" from her now.

I must remember to show compassion when she says she is bored at the moment; boredom is good for you with everything you have experienced. I just don't get it, when she says she is bored, you must agree! I am more like an engineer in this area, it ain't pretty when I am that way!

Today she will find out if her body is doing what she wants, excellent blood results so she can plead her case. I am sure her oncologist will have a puzzled look, "now you want to get in the hospital?".

Don't Say That!

You Side With ME

Rene's acceptance of my "King Tut" is at the, "I'm tolerating this.." phase. Lately she has heard women commented favorable about my new appearance and this is sacrilege for her! Yes, I am pushing her buttons because I can and it gives her more inference to get better so she can "throttle" me!

Trust

With everything that Rene has experienced physically from her chemo treatment, I must now learn how to trust letting her do more on her own. She can now walk without wobbling or falling down and she has the strength to get out of chairs and sofa without my assistance.

I realized that I was treating her like a baby learning to walk for the first time and it is not necessary anymore. Now that we are at this phase, I am acting like a "man" about her needs; see we men never can satisfy wives, girlfriends, mothers, or mistresses!

Rene way to push my buttons is to mention that she wants to start driving before her seventh treatment. When hearing this, I behave like a salty sailor, "@#!* no way!". She knows I care and since she can't drive, I will pay the price by taking her anywhere she wants to go!

I'll Fly Away

Not Soon Enough

It is a very different person I am dealing with today than when Rene started her chemo. Now she wants to get back in the hospital as soon as possible for her final treatment. She wants her blood work to show that she is ready and then she can get on with her life.

Statement Sunday

Yesterday Rene caught the men's final of the U.S. Open and she saw how a true champion wins a match with Roger Federer. Equaling Federer's performance was Tiger Woods shooting a 63 to win the BMW tournament. Despite these great matches, she got the most fun watching our neighbor's daughters play with our dog (Bara); they are great children and Bara loves playing with them!

Da Bulls

Impressive Win

As you all know, Rene usually becomes a "widow" until the college football season is over. Last night she watched her college play an away game at Auburn and they won in overtime! When Rene was student at the University of South Florida, they did not have a football team so this was a surprise for her and a pleasant one at that!

I informed her on the history of the USF Bulls and that they played in bowl games for the past two seasons. Right now USF is playing better than FSU; as a Gator, I couldn't resist!

Last night's win over a SEC team by a Big East team should make the bowl pairing very interesting this year. The fact that another Florida team is lurking about will annoy most other teams on principle when it is the state of Florida.


Closet Wars

It seems our little girl wants to keep the slimmer version of herself around after she is done with all her treatments. The first step in her mind was to clear out her closet of clothes that are too large.

This task suddenly meant that I needed to make trips to Goodwill and someone will enjoy the fact that some of the clothes still have price tags attached. She has provided herself with a reason that "we" need to go shopping!

Stampede

Time To Do Something!

Since Rene is feeling stronger she does not want to sit at home; taking her for her blood work doesn't count either! Since it was Friday, she had to wait until I was done with work so she enjoyed the company of a girlfriend for the afternoon, I think they watch some "chick flick" movie.

Tea Time

I took her to the tea shop to meet some of her other girlfriends and they enjoyed each other's company over tea. This time, they didn't discuss the shortcoming of their husbands this time. Rene decided to mix different types of tea into a single pot (Rose and Lychee). I stuck with my typical strong "mud" flavor tea!

Relaxing

Home Again...Ah!

There is a permanent smile that Rene gets when she home again...just because she back in her home! There are little things bring joy, such as a night without blood work or vital signs. One never truly rests in a hospital, so being home means provides true rest for her.

Fur Balls

The dog and cats are always doing their usual and unique interaction when she is home. She gets unconditional love and pouncing from the dog. One cat loves to sneak up and purr while being petted by her.

The other cat, well, is a "cat", aloof and yet wants her attention. Either way she has fun and makes sure I spend quality time with them. I feed them, clean up after them, and call the male cat an idiot (he really is; looks and no brain)...that's quality time in my book!

Tennis

The U.S. Open is getting better and it should be a great women and men's final. She is really enjoying the level of play and lack of overall controversy! I will throw a "monkey wrench" into this joy with college football this weekend; I am a true "Son of the South"!

Freedom

Release Me...NOW!!

I don't know who was more happy about getting out of the hospital yesterday between Rene and her nurses. They are so happy to see her so strong and positive about her situation versus the other patients they care for. The animals were excited to see "The Lady" again, especially Bara our dog.

Creature Comforts

Soon as Rene crossed the threshold of the door, she was comfortable and started a bit of futzing around the house. The increased choice of television channels and music were godsend for her. She had a very German lunch of beef tongue and special marzipan cake from a local deli.

Since she has her immune system back, she is no longer neutropenic and the ban on raw foods didn't matter. I quickly was dispatch to get her green seedless grapes and brother you didn't want to between her and the fruit! She has one sore on her tongue from the chemo so she is being careful with certain foods and drinks at the moment.

U.S. Open Rocks

The match between Roger Federer and Andy Roddick was a classic to watch. Flawless playing and Federer is just unbeatable when he needs to be. Rene marveled at the skill and playing and hearing Andre Agassi's insight made it a great evening for her.

Juiced? - UPDATED

It Must Be Her Shots!

For the past seven days, Rene has watched her immune system drop past the recommended levels of 1,500 (minimum to fight infections) to less than 400. On Labour Day, her counts had increased to 600 and yesterday they increased to 2,000 after 24 hours! If she were a professional athlete, she would be banned for such drastic changes.

Between her receiving platelets on Monday and the daily blood booster shots, she seems to be track with her immune system. Based on today's counts, she could be released from the hospital and then again, she could not. Either way, she will await the results and recommendations of her doctor (is this my wife?) before she gets her hopes up.

Senate Hearings

This morning her counts jumped another 2,000 points and she was allowed to come home. I didn't get her calls immediately so she had to wait. I am sure she wasn't happy but right now she will put up with me!

Chamber Music

Playing As A Duo

The guitarist from the jazz & blues group I play with stopped by the hospital with his new Joe Pass Edition guitar. I brought my acoustic electric bass and we played a few songs in her room. It has been a long time since she has hear any music from Root Down and this was pleasant surprise for her.

Her nurses noted that a party was occurring in the room when they saw a bass and a guitar laying on her bed. Rene used her smartphone to take pictures and record a bit of the "concert" for historical purposes.

Since she has to look at my collection of basses, her question to Travis was, "how many guitars do you have?". I really like his quick response, "more than one and not enough!"; she gave both of us the "look"!

Transfusions Required

Since her platelets were a bit low and she gave blood the other day with the stubbing of her toe, she got another transfusion was needed. She promised not to cause any injuries to herself that would allow this batch to get out of her body.

She was impressed with the triple checking that occurs anytime she is given any chemo or blood transfusions. They have her read out and valid her name and other information. They then review her medical band information against the bags of "goodies" they are about to hook-up to her IVs.

For the first time, she had the weirdest question put to her, "are you pregnant?"; I wanted to know why they would ask that one! Since she is A-, the platelets given were A+ and this is not problem for her but it would be for her baby.

I answered that we won't have to worry and at this phase of our life, it would be an immaculate conception anyway! The world can breath a sigh of relief that I will not be a father and drive a kid to madness!

#@~! Ouch!!!

Bloody Mess

Yesterday Rene managed to stubbed her left big toe. This resulted in a bit of blood oozing and her nurse scrambling to resolve it. Rene was upset that she was allowing platelets to leave her body after just getting a transfusion on Saturday.

Sore And Slow

Right now with her current condition, she does not have any mouth ulcers and she notices that her mouth feels tender if she consumes large portions of food. She is receiving her "Miracle mouthwash" which will protect against infection four times a day now.

This is not impacting her ability to eat and yesterday she enjoyed a "man's" cheeseburger from Fuddrucker's and a chocolate malt! She is not giving up on food until she has too! She doesn't eat fast to ensure that her mouth won't ache when she eats. Don't worry, she still has me getting her chocolate Whoppers...she is fine!

Nadir Fun...

A Little Imploding...

Rene's white blood counts and platelets are being very lazy and she received her first transfusion yesterday of platelets. Right now she is not experiencing any high fevers, nausea, or mouth ulcers. Overall she looks and feels great, she just doesn't have an immune system!

Right now the team at the hospital is maintaining a watchful eye on her to ensure that she does not experience the pains of her third stay! In all of this, she wants to get home, wait three weeks, and then come back for her final treatment. She is not happy that her plan has a bit of a hiccup at the moment.

Sports To The Rescue!

Since she is an avid tennis fan, the U.S. Open is a great entertainer for her. She is amazed a the level of play she is witnessing in the early rounds of this year's tournament. She is afraid that the final will not produce the same level of playing. I told her her that it should be the same and just enjoy.

Understanding

Rene is very aware that I am adjusting to my father's death and accepts that I am "out of it" this week. She knows that I am not myself if I didn't take time to watch college football yesterday.

Counts!

No Control

Rene continues to wait for her body to produce more white blood cells to improve her immune system. Right now she another patient that she befriended are in race about their white blood counts. They are not sure how will get to the safe levels first. Secretly, I believe Rene wants to lose because the other patient has been in the hospital for six weeks already.

Pals

Rene is getting more experience with her Scrabble since she has a pal on the floor. This is good because it breaks the boredom. Since Rene has experienced the "chemo brian" already, she is helping her friend get through theirs with the games they play.

Meals

The taste of salmon was nearly destroyed by the hospital's attempt to offer it on their menu. I surprised her yesterday by bringing a fresh cut that was glazed with miso and no one was allowed near it once I placed it in front of her.