Done With Tricks

Time For Treats

After today, I will not make daily updates about Rene because she has completed her treatment without any setbacks. I will make weekly postings every Sunday for the remainder of this year. I may start another blog about cancer overall and link this blog to it.

Since today is Halloween in the States, I am ready to move past all the tricks and surprises we have dealt with for the past eight months. There was a myriad of emotions we have experience as a couple and individually. Rene bore the brunt of this experience and has finally climbed out of the abyss that cancer will take you.

An experience like this changes the patient and the caregiver on many levels. Perspectives about how we view life are very different now. Neither one of us at this time can fully express what these changes will be because we are haven't had time to slow down and reflect.

I discovered several things about cancer from this experience and I now realize the overall impact. Despite all research efforts being done today, doctors still don't know what causes many of these cancers!

In Rene's case, they know that the Epstein-Barr virus can cause her type of lymphoma, they still don't know what will trigger it in the first place! Recent reports about high divorce rates amongst couples due to certain cancers was equally shocking. One should never be alone when battling cancer and to have a spouse leave as a result is unacceptable!

Tomorrow she goes in for a check-up with her oncologist and there shouldn't be any surprises. I will let everyone know when the P.E.T. scan is scheduled and we should receive positive results about her condition. The aggressive nature of this cancer and its impact to Rene is no longer occurring so it should be great news.

New Routines

No Hospital Check-In

For the first time in over seven months, I am not required to register Rene into the hospital. When she began her treatment, it was very hard for her to envision this moment. Now that she has reached it, there are no roadblocks to be concerned with.

Exercising and experimenting how far she can push herself mentally and physically is on her agenda at the moment. Driving is not on her radar until she and her oncologist feel she is ready to deal with Phoenix Valley traffic. I guess me saying,"No, no, and no" is getting old!

"Mongo Like Scones!"

Rene decided I deserved a surprise and made scone cupcakes. She knows I prefer English style scones and since we had the ingredients in the house, she made them. It was nice surprise and she knows that she can perform a little baking from time-to-time.

Not The Yankees!

Red Sox Sweep

The World Series is over, Boston is celebrating and New York is claiming the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived! I am a National League fan because they don't have this sissy DH rule and I will back any team that annoys the Yankees!

Rene realized that Boston would win and she preferred that it would be a seven game series instead. Also, the Rockies cooled off due to Boston's previous seven game series and the rest is history. Now that baseball is done until the spring, Rene has nothing to offset college football!

"Pull Up The Anchor"

Rene did a lot this weekend and by Sunday she needed to relax because her energy levels were spent. She now will limit her activities to avoid this in the future. This way she will not have to leave a function after 30 to 60 minutes.

Tiring Stuff

Accepting Reality

Since Rene is free of hospital stays and daily trips to her oncologist, she is far from being completely recovered from her lymphoma. Now she must wade through the fine line of trying to do too much in a given day. She realized this from yesterday when she spent four days at a church tea and was unable to attend a Halloween party the same evening.

It is important for her to understand the role of nutrition and exercise to her overall health and recovery from chemo. Right now she cannot expect to do major things on a daily basis, instead it may be every other day instead for the next three months.

Overall I think she will trot instead of run into life in the foreseeable future. Since she is not obligated to stay in the hospital for treatment, she can figure out how to proceed with life. The scary part of what must occur to cure her is over, now how she will live must take over.

One Less Worry

No More Chemo

Yesterday Rene received her last outpatient Rituxan treatment for her lymphoma. This should be it for her having to get stuck with anymore needles. Since Rituxan is considered good chemo because it only impacts bad cells, she will not have any setbacks from this.

Her daily visits to her oncologist will move to being weekly beginning now. She gets to relax and is not required to see her doctor until late next week. She will be a basket case due to additional free time and not having to stare down a nurse with a needle.

She is now planning how to develop an exercise routine due to a generous offer from a trainer. This will be fun to observe because the trainer will get her to do things I can't. She is married to me so she can question any and everything, this won't be the case for him!

Futzing Factors

"I HEARD That!"

I have discovered a healthier Rene is a "deadlier" Rene from a conversational standpoint! Her mental awareness is getting back to its usual razor sharpness. This means, I have to be aware of how I respond as well as what I say from this point forward.

I am now dancing around what I call "ambush topics" , aka any questions that men want to avoid discussing! These topics mean we must explain our thought processes and then justify them afterwards. Being a man without fear, I just provide grunts for replies and doze off because this occurs just before I fall asleep.

Based on which dominant chromosome the reader possesses, you will either side with Rene or me at the moment. Rene is not one to accept this type of behavior and acquiesce to my responses; I have behaved this way for 20 years so I can only hope!

On Wednesday of this week, she was informed that her blood levels were at a point that did not require daily booster shots anymore. This woman was more than happy that she doesn't have to get shots in her stomach anymore; if she were diabetic, this would not be the case!

"Let's Play!"

Missing My Friend

In August I lost my father to cancer and now intestinal lymphoma cancer has claimed a dear friend of mine. As a Southern male, we always hate the passing of a good dog. His name was Rocker and he was one of two Shar-Peis owned by the drummer of a blues & jazz group I belong to.

For nearly five years, Rocker was always there to lay around while we practice in the house. After the studio was added to his home, he and his sister Maggie would sometimes visit us during practice. Rocker was a character and was the alpha to me.

I enjoyed how he would always follow you around the house to get attention. He was always "upset" that he could not follow you into the bathroom. He would wait patiently for you and seem to say, "I don't understand why you closed the door. Please pet me and give me your full attention".

Rocker would always announce the band's presence if he saw you outside. He and Maggie would sometimes come running and barking and he would suddenly stop and stare. His eyes seem to communicate, "Oh, it just you!".

He would then walk around you to get attention and if Maggie saw that he was getting the attention, she would nudge in between us. Last year when Maggie became blind and deaf, he was a true sibling to his sister and didn't take advantage of her. She only had her sense of smell and he didn't mind that Maggie would sometimes walk through him.

I saw Rocker last week when I came to practice, he was barking and running around. I didn't get a chance to pet or play with him that day. I regret that now because I will miss scratching the folds of skin around his head and petting his sides, he was a caring spirit and he will be missed. His sister Maggie will no longer have her brother around to "guide" her in the house and snuggle next to.

Marzipan & Wurst = Heaven!

Germany Rules

Rene made a special trip yesterday her favorite specialty deli to acquire specific "comfort" foods for the home. She did not have to verbalize this trip because I saw a couple bags of marzipan in the kitchen. I knew that if marzipan existed, wurst must exist also. With Rene, these two items are always linked.

Recovery Status

There is nothing negative to report about Rene's health status now that she is post chemo. The daily shots and weekly count review show steady increases. She gets to have a final office Rituxan chemo infusion on Friday. That P.E.T. scan should occur soon after that and then we will have a clearer picture of her overall health.

Tea & Hats

This weekend she will be attending a women's tea party at her church and it seems that hats and gloves will be worn. She and girlfriend were trying on different hats when I came home yesterday. I heard them and decided that I should not interupt this process.

I have not seen hat boxes since I was a child and my mother had a separate closet just for her various hats for church; dad was allowed to use the closet for three hats only! I have a brief flashback of Southern culture pre-1974! I guess pearls and gloves are not too far off either.

I'm Doing Laundry...

First Time

Last night Rene decided that she would tackle some type of housework and her choice was laundry. She was tired from this and felt a sense of accomplishment at the same time. I stayed out of her way and only assisted in areas that required heavy lifting and moving.

Her mouth sores are no longer bothering her and she does not require a special diet anymore. With the return of her hair, I have noticed that she is beginning to wear jewelry again. Later this week she will start testing the impact of long walks in the neighborhood.

Usually she would be fretting about getting ready for "next week", aka going back to the hospital. This is no longer required so she knows that now her ability to recover can truly begin. I have a feeling that we will need to a bookstore run in the near future, she can only handle small amounts of daytime television!

Wet Hair

Drying Is A Must

Even though her hair is just beginning to grow back, she noticed that it is long enough to require blow drying after a shower. Each day her hair continues to grow means it is another day that she getting back to normalcy within her life.

If her blood counts show improvement from this weekend, she may be free of any additional blood booster shots this week. The only thing she would have to do is come in for her final Rituxan at her oncologist's office and then have her P.E.T. scan.

The scan is the really important item that she needs to have in the near future. The results of this scan will determine the overall success of her treatments. If the remaining tumor cannot be found, she may move from being in remission to potentially cancer free at this time.

We are not going to get ahead of ourselves at the moment. One day at a time is how she is approaching this and she is feeling stronger each day. She is not ready to begin training in order to hike the Grand Canyon at this time; maybe March 2008 she could actually start her training however!

Taking It Easy

Gators Win!

Yesterday Rene discovered that she is still weak from her treatments. With her new weight lost, she must have her clothes tailored. While at the tailor's, she was very tired from changing in and out of three outfits in less than a half of hour. Her strength will return slowly and she will have to be patient in all of this.

Since yesterday was Saturday, that is a college football day and she spent the evening watching great SEC games. Florida vs. Kentucky and Auburn vs. LSU and bit of Illinois vs. Michigan.

She realized that she married into Southern football and she does enjoy these games. The Illinois game is linked because their coach built last year's national champions, University of Florida; therefore he is still Southern to me!

She did get to spend some time away from football yesterday however. She went to a member of her church home to help bake scones. They have a women's tea function next weekend and the scones are for the tea. Since this tea is on a Saturday, I can enjoy football again!

Good Blood Work

Free Weekend

Well Rene got her wish and will not have any additional shots over the weekend. This is a great sign because it means that she is recovering from her last chemo bout. Her mouth is no longer bothering her and she can eat other types of foods.

She had a busy day yesterday between the doctor's visit, lunch, tea, and got to watch a few innings of softball. This did not tire her out and therefore she is aware of her limits. She will continue to ease back into doing things a bit more.

Share Your Thoughts!

Tripwires

"Tell me what you are thinking!"; "I know you have an opinion!"; "You think I will go away if you give a one word answer?". Yes, Rene is getting back to her old self and interrogating me to explain my positions any and all subjects. The only opinion she has been able to retrieve from me is, "you don't have government because it is efficient!".

I think the "fog of chemo" is beginning to dissipate because various conversations she beginning to have with me. With the unique college football season we are having, she is including deep discussion on the importance of solid special teams play and the power of the SEC conference!


Health-wise, she is showing improvements with the sores in her mouth. They are not bothering her as much and I noticed she is a bit more daring with the consumption of solid food. Heck, she even enjoyed a few sips of wine last night.

If she doesn't need to have shots over the weekend based on her blood work, I anticipate that she will determine one or two trips are needed. These trips are "bonding" moments for us; this means, "I am not staying home so entertain me"!

A Hat? Maybe!

Shampoo Fun

The hair on her head is long enough for her pull on it and cause foaming when applying shampoo. It seems Rene continued to use shampoo when she was completely bald out of habit. Now it foams into her new hair instead of just rinsing off when it was nothing but skin. Its the little things that provide her joy these days.

Per her oncologist, she is progressing well and her blood counts are remaining steady with growth. It seems that we don't have to worry about a reversal at this time. Tomorrow when she goes to the doctor, she will find out if she needs to come over the weekend. If she doesn't have to come, she should be past her nadir period.

"O Sol Mio"

Feeding her lately has been a bit of challenge due to her mouth. The soreness is no longer in her throat and she is experiencing less pain when eating. Since I have taken to being creative in the kitchen she is going to string this along.

I made fresh quiche last night using smoked Gouda cheese and she was in heaven. Between the quiche and the fresh pesto pasta with chicken apple sausage, to chose, there will be no liquid diet for her!

Moving Forward

Promising Signs

Despite having a sore mouth at the moment, Rene is not having to worry about any high fevers at the moment. She continues to have a normal temperature and therefore shows that the medications and shots are working for her.

She only has a single sore in her mouth and what is different for her is that her entire mouth feels sore when she eats. This is almost forcing her to consider either a soft or liquid diet and she is determined to eat solid foods very slowly if she has to.

She is craving true foods that is tasty and since I made fresh pesto sauce last night with pasta, she took her time eating and enjoyed it. Since she has experienced this problem before, she is more annoyed than concerned about it. She can always have a couple of protien shakes throughout the day also.

"Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard!"

Sores, Fevers, Nadir....

Yesterday Rene discovered that she had a slight fever that was at 100 and her oncologist is determine to keep her out of the hospital! He knows the scar tissue he will receive with that statement; I love a man that learns how to avoid "wife bombs"!

By the evening her temperature was below 100 so I think we don't have to really worry at the moment. Get to takes antibiotics along with her daily shots and that should work for her. I decided that I would wade into the scary world of "girlfriend speak" and ask how she felt about her latest episode of treatment.

Overall she is accepting of this little setback and she would prefer that it did not happen at all. I think she was very happy that I asked her about her feelings. This "girlfriend speak" is not "manly" and I will not be able to always do this!

Ouchy!!

Darn Sores...

Right now the only medical problems our "little girl" is dealing with is a single sore in her mouth. She is using her special mouthwash and carefully selecting what foods she can eat at the moment. The last time this happened, it was more of an annoyance and less of a concern.

Her blood results from Friday determined that she didn't need to have any shots over the weekend. As a precaution, she contacted her oncologist and he informed her not to worry and he would see her on Monday. Things are moving along and we are prepared for her nadir to cause a problem just because it can!

Barber Of Seville

Hair Tonic

One of my favourite cartoons is "The Rabbit Of Seville" by Warner Brothers featuring Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. When Bugs is able to cause hair grow for Elmer due to a combination of ingredients, it is such fun to witness how Elmer's amazement turns to rage when his "hair" turns out to be flowers!

Both Rene and I don't expect her to grow flowers with the rapid growth we are witnessing with her hair at this moment. Now the chemo is over, we are seeing hair return to her head, eyebrows, and eye lashes. It seems a bit darker at the moment and we don't know what to expect when it is done.

She took it easy yesterday and relaxed despite the constant amount of college football games I watched. It is Saturday and October and therefore I do what any full-blooded Southern is conditioned to, watch SEC football games! She is not surprised, she married into this and after twenty years, she knows that she cannot change me.

The only nadir issue she is dealing with at the moment is one mouth ulcer and it is not something to be worried about at the moment. Tomorrow she will visit her oncologist for more blood work and then she will know how much longer the monitoring must occur.

Friendship

Day Two

So far, so good with her condition. She is taking her blood boosting shots without any kvetching and enjoying time with her girlfriends afterwards. She noticing that her mouth is a bit sore and she doesn't have any actual sores at the moment.

She is throttling the amount of time she spends doing things at the moment because she is not completely recovered. She is doing her own self-imposed avoiding of large crowds at the moment until her nadir if officially over. She knows that she can afford to wait a bit before she wanders into crowds on a regular basis.

I'm Normal...Really

At Home

Well her first day was uneventful medically, just had a shot and that was it. After visiting her oncologist, she and a girlfriend had brunch and went shopping; she is really easing into this slowly as you can see. The cynic in me will not relent that she is past any nadir issues until her oncologist states that she doesn't need to come in for daily shots.

At this point, she knows that she can start living again. Additionally she knows that she cannot just go back what she what she used to because she has changed. She is a cancer survivor and her outlook on life has changed because of this ordeal. She is upbeat that she is responding positively to her treatments and understands that there is still more to come in all of this.

I have noticed within the first 24 hours back home, the "old" Rene is emerging. She has asked me a couple of questions and then provided my answers for me. Yes, it is about to become very interesting for me because I sense "tripwire" questions are on the horizon! She will not accept a grunt as my answer and I suspect I will get unusual questions asked at anytime!

Almost Done

Toxic Cocktails Done

Now that Rene has come home, the next phase of her recovery begins. She will be monitored for the next several days to protect against her immune system from becoming weak from this last batch of chemo treatments. Getting shots in her stomach is such fun...NOT!

Once they validate that her nadir period has past, she will have one more Rituxan treatment and then a final PET scan. The scan will provide the overall success of her treatment. In July, we discovered that all but tumor was gone. Hopefully, we will find out that this last tumor is gone completely, or if it is still there, it is "dead".

She is walking much better now and no longer has the "penguin" waddle. Her ability to get out of chairs is getting better also. Beside getting hair on her head, it is also coming back for both her eyebrows and eyelashes. I believe the eyelashes are important in the makeup phase of her morning!

Kvetching & Whining - UPDATED

I'm Leaving!

Since one oncologist felt she could leave over the weekend, Rene is now wanting to leave regardless if her nadir has occurred. The oncologist treating her knows that her counts will drop and she will need to come to his office daily for monitoring.

She has decided that she wants out before the weekend and it doesn't matter if the nadir has occurred. I told her that she should stay have the transition in the hospital and I think that fell on deaf ears! The last time this occurred in her treatment, I had to bring her back because of infections.

She is very bored right now and since this is her last treatment, she just wants out. I understand these feelings and I am not trying to steal her joy. Her German is up at the moment and I have to let it run its course because she won't listen either way.

Homeward Bound

She got her release papers today and she is now done with her hospital chemo treatments. She is happy and will be going her oncologist's office daily for a bit to get shots and monitoring. If her nadir ends up being powerful, it could require her to go back into the hospital. We will wait and see.

They Changed My Diet!!!!

Real Food...Now!

It seems chemo can cause the body to report anomalies from time-to-time. Rene's counts over the weekend indicated that her sugar levels were very high and they needed to change her diet. This meant the lost of many of her comfort foods.

She immediately place on a low carbohydrate diet to protect her from diabetes. Since she did not have any of these symptoms prior and during her treatment, there was a concern. Staying true to form, she loves her weight lost and plans to maintain it. This is diametrically counter to the care packages (chocolate, Haagen Dazs, & Dr. Pepper) she has from time-to-time.

I decided that my time of controlling her will be end soon with her recovery so I sided with the oncologist. She will pay me back in "spades" for that one; I would not provide her any banned items to consume. Her nurse was surprised that I would even risk this.

She was informed that counts were a fluke and she did not have to worry...they have released a "beast" with that one. Two days of hospital low carbs meals for breakfast and lunch were not satisfying. Dinner that I provided were low carbs, she didn't realize it however.

Early Release?

Great Blood Counts

Yesterday another oncologist from her doctor's office assessed Rene and felt that her counts were high enough for her to go home. We are both shocked by this because her nadir always comes when you least expect it! She will put her oncologist "through the wringer" today about this one.

She will leave if she only is fully recovered from the chemo! She doesn't want to speak the next several days going back and forth to a doctor's office for monitoring! Since this is her last treatment, she wants to make sure that when she goes home, she can enjoy her time home.

Keeping up with her daily Scrabble games, she made sure that I played at least one game with her. After the game was done, she then requested lunch from the outside!

It is funny to watch how much thicker the hair is beginning to become on her head. We will be surprise if it returns without being different based on feedback about how hair changes. We are dealing with Rene so she could end up with the same type of hair just to be different.

Look Ma, No Wires!

No More Bags

Yesterday was the first full day without needing an IV bag filled with some type of chemo. She was able to move about without having to worry and about pulling a pole to go somewhere. She was more than excited about this.

Even though she had chemo this week, her hair (peach fuzz) is getting darker on her head. I don't think she will be losing any hair this time. Looking at her, I wish had my father's brass whistle from his Army days; a sergeant would have her snap to attention.

She is getting enough reading and Scrabble at the moment and it is not enough for her either. Now that she can walk about without any assistance, I expect to explore the floors now. This may have her nurses a bit concerned, but it would be fun either way.

"That's More Like It..."

Happy Patient

Since she had to "endure" a hospital dinner on Thursday, I had to make sure her dinner would surpass her expectations. One medium rare filet migon did the trick for her with veggies and a sweet potato ensured I was not in the "doghouse". I got additional "brownie points" for including jumbo shrimp as an appetizer.

Freedom

She received her last bag of chemo in the evening and she was very excited when her nurse reminded her. I told her that she is much stronger for her chemo since she did not have any queasy stomach or fatigue at this point. She looks like a buck private in the Army with the peach fuzz hair on her head at the moment.

She is walking with much more authority around the floor and showing signs of the "old" Rene with her positive attitude. It seems Scrabble is the game of the fifth floor because one of her nurses came to visit her on day off. Yes, they played Scrabble and probably made fun of husbands also.

It Doesn't Stop

A Long Process
A person I have known for about four years is going through a screening process to have a kidney transplant. My eyes are "open" to seeing sickness now, he does not look well to me. He has been taking dialysis treatments and now he needs to get on the list and hope for a match.

A patient that Rene befriended must have a bone marrow transplant and this process is not fun either. Burkitt's Lymphoma in some cases requires such a transplant and Rene is very lucky that she didn't need one. The two weeks she usually spend after receiving her "toxic cocktails" for her nadir is nothing.

Day Four

Medically, nothing new to report about. She is moving along without incident and after Friday, she will be done with her chemo. She will then wait for her body and immune system to explode (nadir). Once that is over, she gets to come home and for the first time, tell the staff good-bye!

Last night I did not visit her and she had order her dinner from the hospital. Today, I must bring her dinner or suffer a pain that is worst than her going on a shopping spree. A close friend and Scrabble fanatic did come to visit her last night and they played a few games and caught up with each other.

Five O'Clock Shadow

Day Three

Another day without any medical surprises or concerns. She had the same nurse again so they maintained their bantering and one-upmanship with each other! She enjoyed the company of her girlfriends on the telephone and in person.

She finally realized that her hair beginning to grow back again. At this point it is very fair and light and creates of the appearance of a true "shadow" on her head. I wonder what she will do if she gets natural curls once it is fully grown.

We took a walk around the floor and she was in full control this time. She did not need her walker to get around the floor and she pushed her IV pole herself. I have not seen her do this since her second stay in the hospital back in April!

I am responsible for brining her dinner and it must be a surprise. The fun I could have with that I will save for later; I got her Indian food from her favorite restaurant so I am still in her good graces. She has lined up a few games of Scrabble with other patients and nurses over the next few days.

Fragility

Day Two

Yesterday was uneventful for her medically and she got to banter with her nurse all day. It is fun to watch one smart aleck take on another in a battle of wits! One of her girlfriends came to visit and provided her with a care package of chocolates and pretzels!

Stark Realities

For the past seven months I have spent more time in hospitals and doctor's offices than I have in nearly 20 years. I am more aware of the behaviours and dynamics that individuals exhibit within an oncology ward.

I have stumbled across various conversations pertaining to end-of-life issues amongst doctors, nurses, and family members. I am respectful of these situations and move stealthily through the corridors not to interrupt anyone. I realize that I have a duality about death because it is something that everyone will experience.

This week I realized how lucky Rene is with cancer as I witness the shock of two women when they were informed that a loved one directed the hospital not to resuscitate if they slipped into a coma. The emotions within their faces drove home the conflicting struggles that exist.

The women are desperate to hold on and keep a loved one living and the individual has welcomed death and does not want to prolong their life. Last night, down the hallway from Rene's room, nearly ten individuals stood solemnly looking at a bed. I did not know if they were looking at man or woman, it didn't matter, they were there with a loved one to witness their last breath of life.

They now must begin life without this loved one and cancer has won this battle. Just as it claimed the life of my father six weeks ago, they now must learn to deal with the varying stages of grief.

This is something that Rene has sidestepped for herself and we both know the pain of losing a parent to cancer. This has created another link within our relationship to holds us together.

No Spine Issues

Peach Fuzz

Our little girl was a bit apprehensive about getting a three types of chemo in her spine yesterday. She actually "breezed" right through it with no problem and was a "chatty Kathy" when I saw her last night. I made sure I came with her dinner from Pei Wei; she does possess enough strength to provide tongue lashings still, so I must avoid this!

Since this is her last stay, she decided to wear her "Hedi" hat with her green pony tails! At the moment, she has very fine "peach fuzz" for hair on her head. We all know that when hair grows back after chemo it can be different, so she wanted to better understand a different colour other than blonde anyway.

True to form, she is already missing the dog and cats. She gave up trying to figure out how to house them at the hospital with her. If she could have done this, I would have to show up in the morning to walk the dog either way. I am lucky in a small way!

Monday Means Gridlock

Just Because...

Today was not our normal registration process at the hospital because it was the first day of the month. It seems that when it is the first day of the month, the admittance area resembles a New York City emergency room!

After nearly an hour, we were finally able to register and get Rene up to her room. The new floor looks nice and is much warmer and inviting. We both chuckled with the floor because we could tell immediately that they were not completely done with their renovations.

Due to our past experience with hotel openings, we were able to identify several things that were not quite right on the floor. The most important thing is that Rene is in for the last time and she can now see all the nurses and aides in the same location.

Same Routine

Her nurse did not waste any time with preparing Rene for her treatments, She accessed her port to begin administering fluids for the chemo. I got to witness how a "foli catheter" is inserted. We are at a tipping point of her treatments and our relationship, and there is no need to be modest!